Okay, you’ve taken the adorable milk bath maternity pictures that are a must have for most pregnant people. You’ve installed the carseat, packed your bags, cleaned every single thing in your house, meal-prepped 132 meals for the next 4 months, and you’re starting to get the “is the baby here, yet?” inquiries.
You’re over it.
You’ve been pregnant forever. You’ve sent your doula 29 texts about your mucous plug and the gas pains you’ve been having. You’ve cried when you drop the remote on the floor, because how exactly are you going to pick it up? Your husband has shaved your legs and painted your toenails, because who are you kidding.. you can’t reach around your belly.
You pull out your phone and open Google, because Google knows everything. But wait, we’ve researched all the things and we’re here to answer your frequently asked questions in the last few weeks of pregnancy.
Will I be pregnant for the rest of my life?
Yes, you will. Pregnancy lasts 47 years. It’s never going to end, because you’re basically an elephant at this point. Being hella pregnant means that time moves ridiculously slow. Each text message asking if the baby is here yet adds 12 days to your pregnancy.
What does my mucous plug look like?
This is the #1 question asked on pregnancy and parenting forums – it’s also a question we get just about weekly.
Imagine a glob of thick snot that can be tinged yellow-ish and may have some streaks of blood in it. That’s your mucous plug. You’re welcome.
How do I know if my water breaks?
Most people feel especially soggy when their water breaks. It’s a pretty yucky feeling. If you think your peeing your pants, but it doesn’t stop – your water probably broke.
How will I know when it’s time?
Occasionally, there’s the weirdo that doesn’t realize they are in labor. I am not that person and you most likely are not, either. Imagine your uterus trying to squeeze a bowling ball – it’s usually not a super comfy feeling. That feeling gets more intense, and then a tiny person’s head (usually) will start exiting your vagina – you’ll know. Trust me.
WHEN WILL THIS BABY COME OUT?!
That last text from your mother-in-law added 12 more days. So, never. See #1.
Just kidding – the baby will come out when it’s done baking. The last days are crucial. Baby will announce (dramatically.. hello, contractions) when it’s ready to have a birthday.
How do I induce labor?
This doesn’t actually work, unless your body and baby are both ready. Even pharmaceutical inductions fail sometimes. Eating pineapple and spicy food may be fun, but you may have diarrhea after. You can always sex it up for some cervical ripening action, but I hear that sigh of annoyance from here.